Feelings

I can't explain what am feeling or even how am feeling, is it happiness? is it a feeling of fulfillment? well, since I don't have an answer to that I will just say; I don't Know!! In my third week I have been feeling like a real person, a real being living in the present and truly smiling about it.
Can someone do something like falling in love inadvertently? because I am in love and am happy about it all in a complete and infinite way!!But i ask my self why do we fall in love and how does it happen because I don't really know how or why. The Wikipedia didn't help on this one it showed me at least 3 definitions of Love and all depended on something, one that caught my eye is that  it can be understood as a survival instinct, being a way to keep beings together and continuation of the species.
What i got from this is that people choose who they wish to be with depending on what they can give or get from them......Survival they say!!!

Open Your Eyes

when you look at the past! what do u see? 
do you see the you that you were? 
do you see some distinction?
do you see yourself living the life of your dreams?
I ask you friends, family & acquaintances because i have had a sneak peek of my past today as i sat at that coffee shop with a cup in hand. What I saw was amazingly inspiring to myself to see that that was me living that particular life. 
I saw a young fellow full of Zeal and strength, believe you me, Samson of your Bible couldn't have matched it. I saw how hard I worked to build myself through honesty, kindness,love, obedience & patience in work and personal life.
Despite my multiple personalities I stayed true to who I had to be at a particular time of my life, it worked well up until I opted to and decided to stick to one.
I suck at being who I am, Living this personality I took up is the hardest decision i ever undertook but I haven't given up because I know its the #RightWay.

I went to the washroom and took a look at the mirrors as i rinsed my hands, I smiled at the reflection that stared at me and said #YouDidTheRightThing#YouAintLost

#StopForAminute and look back, it might be what you need to wipe that sad face away.

#AnotherOneOfThose
#RanjaBoyPieces

Maybe you can tell me....

Why are things the way they are?
I have often spoken a lot to many people, done what I could to show appreciation to the many people that I know, I have numerous times hurt myself in the process without knowledge or feel of the pain that I put myself into. Why is it that I feel that I am obliged to please and appreciate the things that people do for me in this lifetime? I don’t have answers to many of the questions that I raise to myself, I know that someone has the answers to all these but who is it??Where are you!!??
My love for women is indisputable and real, I don’t blame myself for that plus it’s something that I like about myself, I don’t usually indulge girls or women into friendship for the benefit of sexual pleasure, no, I always draw my boundaries of the relationship based on the first date and there are relationships that I have kept and protected in the same way I protect my pride and Ego.
The worst thing that I can say about my true self is that I ain’t much of a promise keeper although I try hard to fulfill the little that I make. I apologize to the few who have fallen victim to my numerous unfulfilled promises, I have always and I will always even if I have to take this fight to the grave then I will: that is to make true and fulfill my mommas wishes and desires because she has always done for me that a few would attempt to or do….she has and is still patient and always prays that it’s going to be fine through this struggle that am in. she has continuously had to take the blame on the petty and also grievous mistakes that me and my big brothers done did.

I ask myself....

Will i ever see you again???

I will forever and always treasure the love that I have been offered by numerous girls and keep keeping on steady assurance that life is as it is because that’s how it was planned by the one most high God.(fate) I know that somewhere in my own handwriting I have put down in black and white that ‘love is nothing but just a state of mind’ well, that’s true but it doesn’t apply anywhere near the fact that mothers are the ones that offer and practice real love. I happen to read somewhere that God wasn’t able to be around to offer tangible love to the human beings and that is why there are mothers like mine to offer that Godly side of loving.
And about my being a happy and fun/raving kind of a guy, I have no apologies for that because people worry much about the end result of our lives rather than appreciating the moment in time. I don’t know when am going to die, get crippled or have a scar that’s going to put an end to my scrumptious and savvy dating and flirty period of my life or when am going to get married to a hot or maybe ugly chick who knows and care about then? Because even though it does cross my brains time to time I really don’t give the thoughts much mind air time. I would like people or someone anyone to say that I used to live a despicably awesome life at my eulogy!!
Crazy as it may seem, I love my stupid and carefree life, and I read comic strips, watch cartoons and comedy movies that crack me up from the otherwise odds of this ugly mother earth. I pray when times are hard and also say thanks to God when things are good for me that am something that I can’t forget and will always do in this lifetime.
Most people just paddle and waddle through life, they are passive and lack the machismo to live like real people. I want to live an awesome and epic life and I hope that they say that they put that in my eulogy.

Beguiled by your feminine charms all I could see was me floating up in the sky or better yet call them cloud nine!! I thought and believed that all this is going to last a lifetime! I know that am human and you are too and that we all make mistakes that we sometimes even call let out of our mouths in seeking forgiveness even when one is remorseful. But, living with different types of people I have come to realize that there is no wrong that is not worth forgiving, the power to forgive is bestowed in us through love. Love conquers even the worst of enemies even though it’s a state of mind, it makes me remember that when we were deep or maybe I was deep and you were not we used to tell each other that if at all one of us finds what’s best for them then not to let the chance pass by because we were not sure that what we offer each other was enough. I always believed that I wasn’t doing enough when you really needed me, let u down countless times, told you to do what your mind and heart was not willing to do. I have always wanted a chance to just say am sorry because with or without your love I had promised you and myself that I will always keep you deep south in my heat and always love and cherish the much you have shared to me, the risks you have taken for me and always clinging to the broken and unfulfilled promises that I made to you.
The one thing that really pesters my petty head and heart is whatever happened? What is it that you always wanted to say to me that was not able to bulge out of your lips?? By the time that I am writing this, eight moons have appeared and faded while I was always trying to get you to at least tell me what it is that you have to say. You kept telling me that its important and you can’t tell me over the phone, I made numerous trips to see you but every time we were together you said it can wait as you will definitely tell me when the right time pops up, last time I was unfortunate to find you in a hospital bed admitted and you told me that what you had been diagnosed with was pelvic inflammatory disease and it’s in its chronic stage and the hospital couldn’t let you get out, I came to see you there at the hospital as I was already in Naivasha. Bad thing is I didn’t have extra cash as I had been in Mombasa and I had spent all my cash there, but still I had always wanted you to get the examination/medical report of what has been troubling you so that I could make arrangements to take you to hospital and foot the bill through talking my boss into paying and allow me to pay up slowly. I have always taken you as everything in my small bubble of a life which only had space for you alone. So that day I asked you if at all the results were the ones that you had been unable to tell about to me??You said no! And it struck me that I have a long way to go in getting wha
t that was about so I let it go that day as I also felt it’s inappropriate to ask you in your current medical condition!
I’d rather die a sinner as I will be responsible for my acts of sinfull deeds but surely would not want to die with illusions in my head that maybe I did something weird or wrong to a pure heart of another being! So I plan to wait, not for your love and care anymore because maybe I aint worth that anymore, but for you to tell me whatever it had been that you always thought that you had to tell me but wasn’t able to.
I have to admit that there is one thing that came out of this whole story, I fell in love with the town that she lived in, that being Naivasha!! People condemn occupants of a certain town or place due to the bad occurrences that happen there but thing is that is not exactly correct and I have to say that I think that sometimes the beautiful and bright faces and lives arise and or are nurtured from the darkest sides of the world…..despite the smell and aura of murder, rape, alcoholism and negativity that surrounds it, I get the peace that I always deserve when around this place!!!
well?? there you have it........
ranjaboy.

images courtesy of  Rangi- Africa Blogs.

fear 2 :spoken and written words

Some things that i see or go through in the course of the day in my stay on this earth as an earthling, i say it like this(as in earthling) because we really don't know who stands or walks beside, ahead or behind us thanks to the shit loads of American movies we watch. On movies funny i have to admit that there is but one movie that really gets to me in a way no other has; REMEMBER THE TITANS by Denzel Washington, from the first time i watched this movie that has to be like early 2006. Tears have always fell down and before you say anything else...yes i do sob but controllably and not the other way round!! there you have it thats my Favorite of all time in movies because it taught on how to love, how to live and also how to say what you feel regardless to whom the words are directed to!! safe to say that that is my take on the movie!!
let me drift back to my initial intention as to my stroking of these keys on my board all through to you via the great WWW...
Some things we go through, hear or say tend to bring out a certain feeling either of joy or sorrow or sometimes both intertwined in tandem in all or some of us!! In my case i tend to assume that i ever saw, did or say to anyone that brought a negative response to the people intended to reach!!Reason to assuming all this is due to the fact that i being a human or safe to say Earthling have been built in a way that admitting and submitting to occurrences and consequences is somehow Lame and Naive. Pretense is humans greatest way of life.
Does this explain the fact that we/ I run to liqour or drugs so that we can be able to face some people or situations like i should??or get super drunk when something Bad happens to me, all in a quest to drown my sorrows and get over it???
i dont understand, dont know and probably 1 of the questions that i havent figured an answer to yet but one thing i remember is that there is a time in my life that i never used to drink alcohol or indulge in weed smoking and i was cool still.
i easily get affected by words; spoken or written but mostly spoken, and thats the biggest of reasons that i usually weigh my words well on the libra scale before i say them to any one because when i say i have to have meant them!! this style of doing things that has been making me end up not saying how i really feel to the special people in my life because i always think that i am going to hurt, offend or dissapoint them by spilling my feelings to them but i have come to the realisation that i end up dissapointing them by actually not telling them how i really feel about them!!!
so whoever you are,whatever you are please do yourself a favor and stop living in the shadows of your own self. come out of the bubble and let yourself be known for what and who you really are and never let the fear of hurting and getting hurt put you down because this year am telling the ones who matter in my life, how i really feel about them!!
http://www.facebook.com/ranjaboy?ref=tn_tnmn

fear

i have always lived in fear: fear of loosing, fear of hurting
and getting hurt more like the fear of pain!
fear of hurting someone through the choices i make in my life whether
good or bad whether deliberate or unintended.
some say happiness is a feeling! i say that most virtues happiness included are
just but a state of mind since they come and go
fear of beinng unhappy is one of the reasons that make people make wrong choices
soome look for happiness in different ways: some through substance abuse, some through
relationships, some through sex and some through alcohol...etc
well, in my quest for happiness i have ended up hurting a lot of people and cause pain on the way
my idea of happiness has been making new friends(mostly ladies) thus i have a number of them and i love them differently because each on of them has a purpose and are special in their own way and believe me each one rocks just like jimmy hendrix or avril lavigne with the guitarwoozoweeezu@gmail.com